Survivor to Survivor 

I have always felt like I just didn’t fit in.  I was taught that tears were a sign of weakness; so, I internalized many of the emotions I felt or suppressed them.  Turning my emotions inward was wreaking havoc on my mind, body, soul, and connections with others and with myself.  As a child, I experienced sexual, verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse.  There was no therapy provided because everything was a secret and if I had an opinion, it was not to be shared with anyone.  A family rule in many cultures is Children should be seen and not heard, and sometimes children are not believed.  As a teenager, I finally reached a point where I couldn’t keep one more secret and told someone about my abuse.  Hearing those words ring through the air was like a bell that could not be un-rung. It took me years to escape the aftereffects of my trauma.  Trauma has permeated every part of my life – my mind, my relationships, my choices, the way I see the world, and how I function in it. I was dominated by fear.

I wanted to die and I finally got to a place where I knew I needed help.  I desperately wanted/needed someone to save me/rescue me. I tried family, friends, sex, alcohol, pills, and therapy.  I needed something else.  I finally turned to my faith in God.  I knew the pain was too much for me to tackle on my own and He stepped in and made a way for me to start healing.  It was not an overnight fix.  It has been a journey. It takes work and a commitment to want to heal and not to pretend anymore.  Pretending was exhausting and I didn't want to do it anymore.  I’m grateful that now, I can just be and whatever form it takes is fine.

Therapy was a wonderful place to start my recovery, but having someone trauma-informed to walk beside me has been the difference in accepting that I am not broken. I am not sick or defective. My feelings are not wrong or bad.  It has helped me reconnect with parts of myself that I was forced to ignore and put away to make other people comfortable and to keep myself safe (as safe as a trauma survivor can feel).  I have stopped trying to be perfect so others will love, accept, or approve of me.  I finally chose myself!  I chose to believe that I have a voice and I am empowered to use it.  My thoughts and opinions are valid.  My choices matter.  My life matters.  I matter.